A new year re-fuel ?

The very first day of the New year's morning witnessed a change in the routine.

On the first note, I was woken up early inspite of my protests for having slept late on the new year's eve! The protests were paid no attention and I lethargically started to brush my teeth, languidly gazing at the newspaper with the toothbrush left unattended in my mouth. A whack from my mom set things straight and I got ready, for? New year's eve.Indian family.Devout Hindu family.And temple is the obvious answer. But the previous day's ill health left me no option but to rest at home. Somehow gathered some energy and headed for temple.

Before continuing I'd like to pause here and mention an irksome yet funny, mini fiasco!The autowala of the auto in which i came had no change for hundred and i had to go to some places to get it.And finally found a well established  store;the guy nodded in negation as I produced the hundred rupee note-his face clearly said: "You're gonna get change for nothing. Buy something and you can have the change." And so, complying to his terms I bought a packet of SMart Chips, Baked not fried! (:P). As there was no cover to put it in, I had to carry it throughout my stay in temple obtrusively, victimizing myself people's raised eyebrows and awkward glances!

  It so happens all the time that whenever I visit a temple, I'm often filled with guilt, for having committed many mistakes(i somehow repel the idea of putting it as sins, which is of course true!). It may be true that we commit mistakes but ask for forgiveness and continue our life; and also continue to commit mistakes? It is said so that Hinduism offers its follower the option to ask for forgiveness at the time of dead and we'll be unblemished, i.e., will be guilty of nothing, free from blame! But in practice, is it so? Commit all the sins that u want to in your life and finally ask God for forgiveness at the time of your death? I just am not able to accept this. I wouldn't mind anyone pointing the mistake in this above discussion.

As I entered the temple this strange feeling welled up from within and kept spreading the entire body paralyzing my major faculty, viz., my brain! I could neither help stop thinking about it nor keep avoiding it. It seemed inevitable.Ubiquitous.Everywhere there were idols of Hindu deities with the eternal sagacious smile on their face indicating tht they knew everything and are the perfect masters and are the directors of this cosmic drama called LIFE, kept reminding of the apparent fact that I had been discussing above. This feeling slowly overpowered the uneasiness I had in my stomach. But didnt relieve me of any ailment as the latter proved far more powerful!

As is the custom, we first visited Ganeshji's shrine and his affable yet sharp eyes made me bow down my head in utmost reverence but with a pinch of fear! We first circumambulated his shrine as my mom kept chanting some sacred unspeakable Sanskrit verses to herself and prayed in sincere devotion! Slowly the uneasiness started creeping over my body and I also had my hair stand on end! As I completed one circumambulation and headed for 2, my mom called me and gestured me 1 or 3 and I nodded and stopped recollecting how every time she reminds me of having only 2n+1(n<=0) rounds around shrines, meaning only odd numbered rounds; reason? Do, as I say was the answer! Never mind, as I came back to the present and found the crowd's irritable glance on my smart chips pack and then on me. I prayed to Ganeshji to relieve me of this guilty feeling and err...I paused there groping for another wish. the priest gave some holy water, put some holy grains in my palm along with some holy flowers and then put the holy crown with the deities feet on my head and proceeded to the next person doing the same. I rang the bell and clutching tightly to the smart chips pack, I stepped out of the periphery of Ganeshji's shrine! I felt relieved for a while and gazed skywards and Lord Vishnu idol's sight atop the highest point of the temple caught me and gripped me with the same feeling!


After exiting Ganeshji's shrine next was Lord Shiva's and then his consort's and next Shani's and then came my favorite, Hanumanji! There was no change in my inner feeling as the Lord of infinite grace looked over me as he did to anyone else with folded palms and reverence to his master. Clutching to the smart chips pack tight in the rush, i took the holy water(thirtha) and left his shrine. Then was Ayyappa and finally, it was Vishnu. Some serious decisions were being made in my mind(not sure if it was heart or both!) about my life. What were they for? I questioned as I sat inside the Periphery of Vishnu's temple. The voice answered "you've been thrown in the hostile regions of clash between mind and heart for the past one hour and these decisions, from now shall free u of ur uneasiness!" But I wasnt fully able to deduce still what decisions those were. But all of a sudden i found myself equipped with a strange sense of confidence and strength came into my mind and body. I somehow didnt like it and preferred the previous feeling; but it wouldn't leave. Slowly I began to introspect my mind and heart and felt I've got the energy to face any kind of encumbrances and the confidence to ward off and fight against any ill thought. With this new feeling of gut, I thanked all the Gods and as my mom and I strode out of the temple happily some force stopped me suddenly. The force asked,"This isn't ur first temple visit. Does that mean u need to re-fuel ur mind and heart every time u come? Do u injudiciously use ur fuel? And is this new year re-fill going to help u in any new way?". As I was seized with this uncomfortable dubiousness, I felt that the Gods weren't satisfied with my progress and wanna give some more. I felt that they were looking down from the heavens and smiling at me and as the Idol of Lord Vishnu came in sight, the previous night's question replayed in my mind,"an unknown apprehension!".